It’s no question that most people are unprepared and uneducated when it comes to grief. Yet, it will impact each of us at sometime in our life. So, why do we avoid grief if it is one of the few things that are guaranteed in this life?
Could it be that we feel inadequate? We all like to feel capable and equipped and most things in our lives are “fixable” with the right tools. The self-help section of the bookstore provides ample evidence of this mindset. However, grief is not a problem to be fixed. Grief is something to be experienced and witnessed. Telling someone in grief to “get over it” or “it’s part of a bigger plan” are ways we try to fix something that is unfixable and it can actually do more harm than good.
Could it be that it makes us feel uncomfortable? Grief is wild and raw. Grief is unpredictable and doesn’t play by any rules. Grief is vulnerable and messy and undignified. The social norms of being “fine” or “good” go out the window when the grief wave comes. We don’t know the etiquette or social norms of how to hold space in the discomfort. It is uncomfortable and so is the loss that has brought about this grief.
Could it be that we are afraid? Talking about death and mortality is difficult. It brings about lots of questions and concerns and uncertainties. There are some who feel like talking about these things will make them happen. However, grief is a part of loving and connecting and being human. It’s risky.
Three Ways To Stop Avoiding Grief
So, what do we do? How do we shift the way we approach grief, both for ourselves and for those around us?
Be honest. Acknowledge that you’re not sure what to say or do. Whether the grief is your own or another’s, this is unfamiliar territory. Each grief experience is unique because each relationship and person is unique. When we are honest about our experience, we can support and be supported in meaningful ways.
Be present. Remember, grief requires witness, not a solution. The tears will not last forever. The wave of sorrow will pass. The joy will return. By making space for the grief to be there, we also make space for the growth. Both tears and smiles, silence and stories are part of healing.
Be courageous. Grief is not something to be feared. It is as natural as joy, just less socially acceptable. Have the courage to see grief as the space left from a meaningful relationship. When we approach with courage, we encourage compassion.
When we aim to be honest, present, and courageous in grief, we can make space for the unfixable, uncomfortable, and scary without trying to rush through the experience of vulnerability, growth, and healing.
It’s no question that most people are unprepared and uneducated when it comes to grief. Yet, it will impact each of us at sometime in our life. So, why do we avoid grief if it is one of the few things that are guaranteed in this life?
Could it be that we feel inadequate? We all like to feel capable and equipped and most things in our lives are “fixable” with the right tools. The self-help section of the bookstore provides ample evidence of this mindset. However, grief is not a problem to be fixed. Grief is something to be experienced and witnessed. Telling someone in grief to “get over it” or “it’s part of a bigger plan” are ways we try to fix something that is unfixable and it can actually do more harm than good.
Could it be that it makes us feel uncomfortable? Grief is wild and raw. Grief is unpredictable and doesn’t play by any rules. Grief is vulnerable and messy and undignified. The social norms of being “fine” or “good” go out the window when the grief wave comes. We don’t know the etiquette or social norms of how to hold space in the discomfort. It is uncomfortable and so is the loss that has brought about this grief.
Could it be that we are afraid? Talking about death and mortality is difficult. It brings about lots of questions and concerns and uncertainties. There are some who feel like talking about these things will make them happen. However, grief is a part of loving and connecting and being human. It’s risky.
Three Ways To Stop Avoiding Grief
So, what do we do? How do we shift the way we approach grief, both for ourselves and for those around us?
Be honest. Acknowledge that you’re not sure what to say or do. Whether the grief is your own or another’s, this is unfamiliar territory. Each grief experience is unique because each relationship and person is unique. When we are honest about our experience, we can support and be supported in meaningful ways.
Be present. Remember, grief requires witness, not a solution. The tears will not last forever. The wave of sorrow will pass. The joy will return. By making space for the grief to be there, we also make space for the growth. Both tears and smiles, silence and stories are part of healing.
Be courageous. Grief is not something to be feared. It is as natural as joy, just less socially acceptable. Have the courage to see grief as the space left from a meaningful relationship. When we approach with courage, we encourage compassion.
When we aim to be honest, present, and courageous in grief, we can make space for the unfixable, uncomfortable, and scary without trying to rush through the experience of vulnerability, growth, and healing.